The Mystery of Madame X

Hello Gentlemen –

Hope you’re off enjoying your summer – It’s already August, so grab the warm weather while it lasts! It’s going by way too fast for me… all registered for classes in the fall, I can barely believe it. I’m actually enjoying school this time around (though this particular semester doesn’t look like it will be one of the most exciting), but I know that the first day of school is followed by the first frost, then the first snow, and then a whole bunch of miserable 🙁

Luckily, there’s still a little bit of distance between then and now (plus a little getaway I’ve planned to steal some last-minute sun out West when it starts getting cool around here) which leaves us just enough time to stock up on steamy memories to keep us warm all winter! I’ve been spending plenty of time in Portsmouth, Western MA, Hartford and a few other not-too-exotic locations which may or may not be posted on the calendar, depending on the nature of the trip… and I’m often off on a whim, so it’s always best to shoot me an email if you’d like to pin me down for a while. And I certainly would enjoy that! I’ve been extra horny lately, and masturbation can only do so much.

Actually masturbation can do an awful lot, so much so that I’m afraid of overdoing it! When I was in middle school, one of my friends (and a wonderful musician, which is why this story is so scary), ended up with terrible carpal tunnel and a tennis elbow on his left arm, and had to give up music for half the year as a result. Such a critical year too, right when the prep schools start courting… I felt terrible for him. I really didn’t think anything of it, even though I was totally unaware that he played tennis and could have sworn he was right handed. He was in an arm sling for weeks, hoping that he would heal in time for the concert season. His doctor had strictly forbidden video games, and so I was lounging around bored in his room, totally *not* playing Zelda on N64, when his sister walked by the door on her way out.

“Oh, you’ve finally got a girl over!” I was such a tomboy, it was rare in those days someone would look at me as a girl, “Good, maybe she can take over for a while until your wrist heals.” I might have been a little naive back then, but I wasn’t *that* dumb… I got it. Mostly from seeing how red my friend got.

From then forward, I’ve been terribly afraid of masturbating myself into tendonitis! I’ve gotten all sorts of toys and contraptions to give me a more ergonomic angle on my private parts, and believe me they do work well 🙂 However, there’s something about the feel of my own skin that I just have to have every now and again… and often… and I worry that my moments of bliss will leave me in constant pain if I keep getting into it like I have in the past.

No, I’m not asking for a chastity belt (that would be torture for *both* of us, wouldn’t it?) and I’m only kind of looking for more toys (though one of those long handled percussion massagers would be insanely intense!), but I did spend the gloomier part of this afternoon searching the internet for safer and more stimulating masturbation techniques. Seems women don’t talk about masturbation all that much… less talk / more action I suppose 🙂 I few googles in, I stumbled upon LetsMasturbate.com. Aptly named, it’s devoted to solo sex. I landed on the female section and there’s a few goodies mixed in with the run of the mill fruits/veggies/electric toothbrush tips. Here’s my favorite, but mostly for the clear explicit instructions than the novelty of the approach, as this is constantly on my to-do-again list –

Take an AC-powered vibrator to your clit, a battery powered anal stimulator with an attached controller and a nice, fat, long dildo.  Tease your clit with the electric vibrator (they’re the best).  When sufficiently juiced up, lube the anal vibe and stick in your ass slowly while working you clit with the electric vibe. Don’t turn on the anal vibrator on just yet.  Relax and enjoy the feeling of having your ass penetrated.  Continue working your clit.  Then, slowly work the dildo in and out while working your clit with the electric vibe.  I like to occasionally suck my own juices off the dildo and then stick it back in.  When you feel your orgasm approaching, I like to turn on the anal buzzer to high, and stroke that big dildo in me nice and fast while buzzing my clit.  The contraction in my pussy eventually pushes the dildo out and I usually squirt my cum all over myself as I ride the waves of buzzing ecstasy. You will be arching your pelvis towards heaven as your entire perineum is stimulated to a fantastic orgasm.  It’s even better when my husband watches, strokes his cock for me and then sticks his cock into my only remaining orifice (my mouth) and cums at that same time as I do. All I can do is swallow and writhe, as there is nothing like having all of your orifices filled and stimulated simultaneously!

I also liked the idea about kitchen sink sprayer – I never use mine, as I have a shower hose so it never occurred to me. After reading through their hilarious list with a raised eyebrow, I saw that the majority of the site is geared toward male anatomy. I figured I could use some new tricks to add to my handjob repertoire. Cum to think of it (yep, couldn’t resist!) I’ve never actually had a proper handjob instruction so I don’t even know what on this list is legit and which are actually supposed to do nothing more than make me laugh as hard as I did anyway 🙂 Maybe there’s actually someone that’s seriously *into* the Squidley Diddly?

Masturbate using a squid. That’s right. That slimy purplish squid. It’ll feel just like your second skin. Pull off its head and clean its insides. Slip your cock right into the squid and start shaking till you blow your cum in it.

Mmhmm. Pretty sure that squid did not give consent… but then again neither did anything else in the supermarket (and what girl hasn’t deflowered a cucumber?). Definitely a gray area. Yep, I’m going to leave that one with you 🙂

Scroll down for a much better mental image…

~Mme X~

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Hello Gentlemen –

We’re 11 days into 2011… hopefully not too late for me to wish you a happy New Year? I really enjoyed 2010, and while 2011 looks like it’s going to be drastically different for me, I still think it’s going to be fun 🙂 Commitments will most likely be  keeping me pretty close to home for most of the remaining winter…  however I *really* really want to try sneaking out to San Francisco again. We’ll see what happens, won’t we?

It’s come to my attention that I really have to pay closer attention to posting my local tour dates. In my mind, my local area is New England so I don’t really think it’s necessary to note whether or not I’m in northern CT or Southern VT. I’m used to rural life for the most part so distances less than 45 miles don’t really strike me as worthy of public announcement, especially since I’ll only be there for a few hours anyway. However, I can appreciate that some of you considerate gentlemen don’t want to take me too far out of my way, and would rather not risk the imposition of inviting me out to the NH Seacoast when I’ve already accepted another engagement out by the casino. It just never really occurred to me since a lot of my time is spent at off the wall places that many of you would probably have to dig up on google (there is a Peru MA, and it is  beautiful), so it’s not like you’ll look up and be thrilled that I’m so close by, lol. Well… maybe one of you might be, every once in a while 🙂

Other things that have come to my attention that I would like to see if you’d like brought to yours – I also seem to have a weird sense of humor. Myself, I find just about everything hilarious (except spilled milk – it’s devastatingly tragic) and occasionally I find that I might even make a joke that you’ll laugh at as well! So, while we’re all laughing, it only just occurred to me that we might be laughing for different reasons…

I’m not making a profound point here, I swear. Really, this all comes to mind because of a conversation I had recently, with a random person who had by chance noticed my site. This man seemed to find the joke in my FAQ about Greece incredibly funny, and focused a good deal of the conversation upon it. While the rest of the conversation rapidly revealed to me that this man and I would probably not make a match for many reasons (if you like carefully maintained manicures, alluringly trashy tattoos, huge hoop earrings and Barbie doll bald pussies, that’s wonderful! However that’s not me, so no point in setting us both up for disappointment), it was hilarious to me that while he thought my quip was witty, he had entirely missed the original intent of it. He had assumed, simply because I asked the same question of my questioner, that I would never imagine ever putting anyone’s eager appendage up my butt, because lord knows no man would ever want anything up *his* butt, right? Of course such a reversal as a response would mean that we’d all have to be *crazy* to enjoy anal sex! Of course I wouldn’t do it. Would you?! I didn’t think so. How clever I am, for finding such a diplomatic way to decline such disgusting propositions.

And if that’s your attitude about anal sex, then you’re absolutely right. Stay the fvck away from my back door, buddy. But for the rest of you who see no reason why an alternate point of entry shouldn’t be a fun and exciting experience that *anyone* can enjoy, I don’t see why not either. It’s wonderful when it’s done right, as I’m sure you can agree. Not sure how to do it right? Well, first consider how you like it done, and then perhaps I can offer a few personal pointers as to how I like it done. Everyone’s different! I have a couple of different strap ons as well…

When someone talks to me about going Greek, I wonder if fraternities are really taking just *anyone* these days?

~Mme X~

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Hello Ladies and Gentlemen!

Mostly speaking to ladies at the moment, but I’m sure we don’t mind the gents listening in 🙂 So… you’re reading my blog. That’s awesome! Why don’t you comment? I’d appreciate hearing your thoughts, and frankly I’m sure the men here are sick of it just being *me* blabbing all the time. I’ll even be nice and not block your website link if you include it, although I do reserve the right to ogle the pictures of any girls that invite me to view their sites, lol. I know you’re checking in here, as I’m a bit of a statistics freak and check up on who’s looking at my site often. Does that make me weird? Anyway, it would make me feel significantly *less* weird if you said something here.

And while you’re here girls, I have a question… and a little background to it. I’m sure it comes as no surprise that I enjoy sex (and I’m sure you do to, or else what are we doing here? lol), and when I’m not actually having sex, I’m often thinking somewhere in my mind about how I can manage to have better sex. My trips to the gym are not quite as consistent as I’d like, but I can say that I haven’t skipped a day of kegels in a very, very long time, and have been doing them regularly since I found The Joy of Sex in the family bookshelf well over a decade ago. After getting a bit bored with simple isometrics, I moved up to weighted balls (I like the ones with the bells!), but I’m ready to add a little extra stimulation to my workout regimen. So the question is, which girly gadget should I get?

The one that originally raised the question in my mind was this one – I love to see improvement. Progressive resistance! People seem to like it an awful lot, both physicians and us kinky freaks here that just enjoy playing doctor. But… it looks scary. Uncomfortably scary. I’m very particular about the seamlessness of my toys, and this thing has got a scissor hinge on it. My pussy may be tempting, but I’m certainly not going to tempt fate with it! The second, and much smoother piece of sexercise equipment I was looking at is this one – which is pretty neat because it let’s you measure how much pressure you’re pulling on any given day. I can already imagine spreadsheets and graphs to track my feminine fitness… but, unless I missed something in the product description (and google the toy’s name if you want to see more reviews on it) there’s no way for me manually set the resistance? What if I want to push myself up to the next level? Other than the boasting power of the pressure gauge, I really don’t see how this device could be more effective than a set of steel ball bearings.

If you have any experience with either of those two toys, or maybe know something else that might pique my interest, I’d love to know! Pictorials are much appreciated 🙂

Beyond that, I hope you’re all enjoying yourselves! Fall seems to have rushed in a bit early 🙁 I hope this doesn’t interfere with my hiking plans! Still, there are things to look forward to in this fine season – crisp apples, colorful leaves, and thigh high leather boots. Yay! I am still enjoying my favorite pair, from Frederick’s of all places. Who knew a 5″ heel could be so comfortable? I’ve made a promise to my closet not to buy any more shoes until I’ve worn every other pair I own (and fyi – wearing them in the bedroom doesn’t count! Most of my collection has never seen an actual sidewalk or street, it’s a shame) but these might make me try to renegotiate my own terms… or just go out a little more. Perhaps one of you fine gentlemen could help me stay on my closet’s good side by accompanying me out for an evening? I’m always in the mood for a little art appreciation…

~Mme X~

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Hello Gentlemen –

Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend! Myself, I’m a bit at loose ends for the moment… I was planning to spend a little bit of time over at literotica, but they’re changing platforms or something over there and it appears some things have gotten lost in the shuffle! I had just picked out the appropriate toy for the occasion (the skinny lilac colored one. It may not look like much, but the bullet in the tip is really strong! And it’s flexibility makes it comfortable in a wide variety of positions, which is the primary reason I’m using it now. Yes, now :)) and spent a few minutes looking through stories before I found one that promised to be a satisfying read – It starts with ice cream. Two bisexual girls and a guy meet at a club and pick up ice cream afterward, and make some hopelessly contrived small talk while I get comfortable and ready to get to the good part. Finally, all the way at the very bottom of the first page, one of the girls puts ice cream on her boobs. Yay! I happily click to continue to the rest of the story and… 404 Not Found!

Needless to say, I’m a touch frustrated. I’m also very horny, so that makes me sexually frustrated. I know the story will probably be back online tomorrow, but that’s several long hours of disappointment away! It’s times like these I wish I had someone in my house to sexually satisfy me at my whim. Unfortunately, I’ve never been able to get anyone in here that’s honestly as devoted to that purpose as they promise to be at the start of the situation – before long they’re whining and complaining, needing things like food, sleep, medical attention… or like the last one, extra spa visits (and she hadn’t even moved in yet). Plus, I’d probably never get any work done!

If I had my ideal situation though, I think I’d like to be added in as the extracurricular activity in an already existing and heterosexual relationship. I like guys, I like girls, and I love threesomes! And that way, all the emotional groundwork is already laid between them, so all I have to do is familiarize myself with their code of conduct, and get myself laid twice as often 🙂

I would definitely expound upon that idea further… but I’m going to watch porn instead. Care to join me?

~Mme X~

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Hello Gentlemen –

All the normal salutations, hope your summer’s going well, etc… Mine’s going wonderfully! Sincerely , I wish you equally good luck in life, if not better. My mainstream work is a tad slow, but no doubt as a result of some slacking I’ve done somewhere, so I’m unconcerned. Actually, it probably had something to do with your slacks and all the work I’ve been doing getting them off of you, and as a result I look forward to having more time to undress you in the future! I’ll save seriousness for the less enjoyable seasons 🙂

Recently, a wonderful and almost erotically altruistic gentleman informed me that I’m selfish in bed (and probably on the sofa, in shower, and on the dining room table as well). I thought about it for a bit, and depending on exactly how one would define selfishness I suppose it’s true. Not intentionally though – I do my best to deliver what I *think* you want, but I’m not a sexual psychic so it’s still on you to tell me if there’s something extra you’re interested in. Your reaction to different things I try might give me clues as to what I need to get you up for my ante, but unless you help me out it’s pretty much a game of hot-or-cold to me. Which is a good amount of fun as far I’m concerned – I get to use your dick as a dowsing rod! But of course, I welcome your input as far as suggested activities or areas of exploration are concerned. Myself? I pretty much know what I want, know that I want a lot of it, and give it my best shot to get as much out of you as I can. If you know me, you already know that 🙂 Interestingly enough, a random quiz a OK Cupid seems to know me pretty well also… I took their mini quiz and got the following results – better than a fortune cookie!

A bit self-centered

You scored 30% selfishness in bed.

Well well, you probably secretly think you are awesome, but are trying desperately to hide it with well-practiced modesty. Regardless, you probably have fooled a lot of your partners into thinking you are quite giving in bed, and the truth is, you can be, but not without a price. You are usually out to get yours too. Maybe try and be a little more giving with no strings attached and you will find that what goes around, comes, and cums, around.

As happy as I am in my selfishness (after all, why would I rely on the kindness of strangers when I can just be the master of my own orgasmic destiny?) I still felt that I should devote a little more time to “giving back”, since this world has been so good to me. So, I spent a little of my down time this evening looking into exactly how I might do that.

I’m pretty into recycling, and I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’m into toys as well. I burn out a lot of motors, and I’m not much of a mechanic, so I’ve had to throw quite a few of them into the dumpster – but no more! Thanks to the Sex Toy Recycling Program, I can happily ship my expired electric lovers of to a much more dignified and environmentally responsible end… knowing that I’m also saving up to 10% off their replacements. But of course, they don’t know that 🙂

Speaking of their replacements. I perused the web for socially conscious causes to support with my sex toy purchases (I suppose I could just donate to a charity as usual, but again, I have my own agenda here.) and didn’t find much encouragement. Instead I found Sinless Touch, which has a very intriguing assortment of goodies available that look as though they’ll provide just the right kind of encouragement for me… and I was shocked to see that they offer buyers the opportunity to donate a portion of the proceeds of their purchase to helping orphans around the world. Seriously, we can save orphans with sex toys! Unfortunately (and as intriguing as their line of organic lubricants is), I don’t think I could actually get myself to *use* anything that I bought from that site… at least not until I manage to shake thoughts of sad, teary eyed children out of my head -what a buzzkill. I would much rather head over to the Sex Toy Loft, which donates a part of it’s proceeds to the slightly less unsexy BP oil spill… as if BP needs *more* money to entice them to fix the problems created by their own greed. Sex Toy Loft also boasts a hefty line of organic and edible massage oils. I’m planning to stock up on a few and bring them down to NY with me, so that my girl and I can grease up and slide around like hopelessly horny Gulf Coast wildlife.

And as for NY 🙂 I’ll be back in the city in July, but only after I make several other stops around New England, several of which may interest you. The most immediate in my mind and on my calendar is Boston where I’ll be this coming weekend! Rather than hide myself away at my favorite hotel (which may have a rival actually, the renovation at Nine-Zero came out excellently but the parking is still a hassle), I instead am looking forward to spending some time licking some art off of my favorite blonde… I think I finally smoothed out all the bumps in my body paint recipe 🙂

~Mme X~

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Hello Gentlemen –

I know, I wait far too long in between blog updates, lol. Well, take a number – apparently I’ve been letting a lot of stuff slide around here! I noticed today that my dog’s getting a little more chubby than usual, indicating that we need to do more hiking. This fall’s been a little busier than I anticipated, not that that’s ever a bad thing. After all, I have all winter to sleep it off 🙂

However, I unexpectedly had the day off today, and it’s not really hiking weather unfortunately 🙁 And, since I didn’t *know* my day was clear until a little while ago, I have no plans to except to enjoy the pleasure of my own company and make sure that my life is all in order and on the right track. Usually under these circumstances that translates into pleasuring myself with some of my favorite toys, and then going shopping for new ones 🙂

As if by divine providence, one of my friends sent me a link to a spectacular sale going on at the condom man store – 100 condoms for just under $20. While I am normally a sucker for buy-in-bulk deals, I’m also a bit leery of expiration dates… especially in sensitive matters such as these. Not one to let such a good deal get by me, I figured I’d do a quick search to see what fun I could have with these little buggers – other than the obvious, of course! So far, the findings have been quite hilarious.

Once the weather clears up and I’m finally able to get in some outdoor excursions, perhaps I should through a few in to my emergency kit just in case I get stranded somewhere overnight and need to keep warm?

I’m an avid gardener (or at least I love pretending), so this one seems right up my… alley? Anyway, I’ve finally found a houseplant that won’t die while I’m away on vacation! And it’s a great conversation piece as well –

I also cook! And Coke was on sale a few weeks ago – my pantry is full of it. I don’t really drink it, but I do boil it down to make BBQ sauce! But now, with 100 condoms, I have yet another use for it 🙂

If I can find a similar such deal on Magnums, then perhaps I can finally make a few hair ties that won’t break on me! Apparently, a few factories in China have been using such a technique for making hair elastics for a while, and the American consumer audience was none the wiser –
Worst of all, closer inspection showed that some of these raw materials were actually *recycled*!

And while we’re on the subject of international imports, these ultra-authentic condoms are on sale in Japan, so *everyone* can enjoy having a big black dick, lol.
Piece!

~Mme X~

Hello Gentlemen –

Hope you’ve all been enjoying your summer, in spite of the recent string of rain… my lawn is happy with it, so I can’t say that it’s a bad thing overall, lol. Luckily, most of my days off have at least been partly sunny, so no complaints here 🙂

Recently, my girlfriend celebrated her birthday! She’s one of those girls lucky enough to be born in weather worth celebrating, so I was happy to celebrate with her. Unlike me, she doesn’t do birthdays in such a big way. The way I see it, there’s only one day a year that belongs to me and no one else (unless you also happen to born on the same day, in which case happy birthday to you too), and I’m going to use that day and all the excuses that come with it to it’s fullest extent! I eat multiple varieties of cake, ice cream, alcoholic beverages, and whatever other delicious indigestible substances come my way. There’s 364 other days to worry about the consequences!

Anyway, we went to the spa (something I only do with her – she’s crazy about it, and I’m slowly getting to the point where I can sort of relax while strangers invade my personal space with hot stones, nail clippers, molten wax and other things that I don’t think strangers should normally approach me with), drank wine… and enjoyed some lingerie 🙂 But that’s for me to remember, and you to fantasize about… sorry you weren’t there.

Sometime during the evening, it occurred to me that I could think of at least two very good uses for a double-ended dildo. Unfortunately, I lost my last such toy during the only robbery I’ve ever experienced (taken from my luggage, which I was too tired to drag in from the car after a drive back from NYC) and never replaced it. So, this week I spent my idle hours on the internet in pursuit of a worthy addition to my toy collection. There are so many choices, but I’m quite the perfectionist, especially when it comes to finances and fuckability, and these most intimate purchases.

The first device that caught my attention was the Tango… I have something very similar to this, but this one looks like an ever-so-slightly better design. I like the placement of the vibrator bullet, as well as the shape of “giving” end… I think it could target some of the crucial points a bit better 🙂 Of course, I can’t tell you how much better it performs until I get one, and sadly, I can’t find a store that has this product in stock, even though they all want to tell me how great it is so that I wait until their next shipment. But until then, I’ll only imagine. It’s not like I’m in dire need of  a strapon at the present moment anyway, as I have a harness that I’m told does a fairly fantastic job. But hey, I am *always* on the quest for improvement!

While eye catching and mouth watering, the tango isn’t really what I was looking for this time around… I was looking for a toy that didn’t force quite so much power play into my bedroom (although it’s always fun to switch roles, I’d gladly be on either end of that thing, lol), and would instead create a situation where we could both fuck and be fucked equally. That’s the American Dream, as far as I’m concerned 🙂 So, anyway, I came across (I wish the pun were intended but I don’t own it yet!) this cute and not-so-little thing… It looks perfect 🙂 The pros are obvious – it’s really long, more than long enough for two girls to share, in any number of positions, with enough room for some observation and manual interaction, maybe even some ass grabbing as well. And the material, though not so tasty, is very soft and bendable, and good once again for  a wide variety of positions! Cons? Well, it’s ultra smooth, which normally I count as a huge plus, but my girlfriend really enjoys heavily textured dicks. Luckily there are a few that offer one of each, but they all have their pluses and minuses…

As always, I kind of had my heart set on something electronic. If it’s something that’s strictly for use with my girlfriend or any of my male play partners, then I can do without the voltage, and just let the human element of surprise give me the extra edge I need. When I’m by myself though, if there’s not at least a little bit of buzzing, I just feel like I’m playing with myself. So I found this… it looks fantastic, save for one major point – what’s that grip doing in the middle? Yes, I do understand that it’s used to hold onto the thing… but I’d really let my PC muscles do most of the gripping when it comes to these types of things, okay? I can’t tell from looks, but I’m afraid it might be hard and uncomfortable… restricting skin-on-skin contact if we decide to try really hard and meet in the middle of this thing – which, in my hottest and wettest fantasies, we would 🙂 Looks like it will have to remain a fantasy for a little bit longer, since this ridiculously tantalizing toy is also out of stock. I suppose I keep picking the popular ones?

After searching the internet, crossing and uncrossing my legs at least 20 times, and even taking a break to check out some porn, try as I might i could not find a site that had close to exactly what I was looking for. I did, however, buy a whole bunch of things that I was not really looking for, but desperately wanted once I found :)  I’ll be awaiting a few deliveries on Monday bringing my recent purchases… and I’ve invited my girlfriend over for dinner that night to open the packages 🙂

Mondays don’t *have* to suck, after all…

*Madame X