The Mystery of Madame X

Hello Gentlemen –

In case you haven’t noticed, there’s a new gallery in my photos section… the ones of me in the pink shirt and black bra… yep, those ones. Pretty neat, huh? I know, not as neat as the mud pics, but what can I do – Baby, it’s cold outside! I’m sure they would have been substantially better with a pair of cufflinks – I totally thought I had some with me, but didn’t. Please don’t take that statement as a request to present me with a pair of cufflinks for Christmas (but if you’d like to, I like these – and btw, thanks for those) as I have easily a half/dozen or so pairs rolling around in my jewelry box, ranging from the single rhinestone for more elegant occasions, all the way up to the gigantic gold dice for showing off at the casino. As the old adage goes, the more conspicuous the cufflinks, the more corrupt the man! Of course, this rule doesn’t appear to apply to ladies, so I’m free to wear whatever sized cufflinks suit me 🙂

The holidays are upon us. In between tackling the day job (where I’m decidedly on the naughty list – apparently my last vacation was ill timed, though well worth it), I’ve managed to make some headway in making my list, checking it thrice (I’m OCD like that), and getting all my naughty people nice gifts. Although last year, I was left hanging onto *someone’s* Christmas present for far too long… I was almost tempted to use it on myself 🙂 Let’s not let that happen again, shall we?

Often, and more this year more than other years, I’ve fielded a few questions from you guys about how to select gifts for women. I’m sure not all of them are for me, lol – besides, I tend to make all of my desires quite clear when I see the opportunity to fulfill them arise. Whoever the lucky woman is that you fee so inclined to spoil, I can help you out with a few pointers. I’ve put them into bullet note fashion, so that you can print them out on a set of index cards and carry your shopping tutorial out to the mall with you. Every time you feel overwhelmed or lost, you can flip through the cards until you find a statement that makes you feel more in control of the situation. Remember, practice makes perfect… which is probably why women go shopping so often.

• Don’t get her what you want, get her what she wants. While you may really, really want to get her a few pairs of crotchless panties from Frederick’s, does she want them? Seeing something in a store window and thinking about how great she will look in it means it would probably make a great gift for *you*. Buy it and hide it until Valentine’s Day. Seeing something in a store window and thinking about how much *she* will like it (even if it’s bulky wool turtleneck so thick you can’t hope to see her nipples get hard no matter how cold it gets) makes it the kind of gift you can confidently give for birthdays and Christmas. Btw, crotchless panties make great stocking stuffers.
• If she asks for something, you’d better go get it. I’d hope this is pretty self explanatory, but let’s step up from the basic, shall we? This is your chance to really show this girl how much you care. Don’t rip the romance out of it by waiting until Thanksgiving weekend and popping the big question (So, what do you want?). Myself, I prefer honest cluelessness to haphazard guessing, but I’ve known many less forgiving ladies. Instead, keep track of things that have caught her eye over the course of the year, and when the holiday season hits you can simply compare your list of her “wants” to the list of her “haves” and generously fill in her blanks. Of course, you’re not expected to remember everything – keep a small notebook handy, yet out of sight. Believe me, she will be amazed! And to think all this time she thought you weren’t listening, right?
• Start early. Time is Money. I know that advice sure won’t help you on the 15th of December, but hey, you’re right on schedule for next year! This is another reason why the notebook comes in handy – you can plan ahead, and take your shopping at a more leisurely pace, buying things for whatever occasion whenever you come across them. Nothing frustrates me more than going out to buy that copper bottomed cookware set that I planned to pick up for my friend’s holiday house party, only to find that they’ve packed it up and sent it back to the warehouse to make room on the shelves for more cheerfully cheesy Christmas mugs (interestingly, the sale of mugs *skyrockets* during the month of December, every year. Google Trends if you don’t believe me) and knowing, that if I had just taken the time to buy it when I saw it, I would have saved time, frustration, and money. So buy gifts early and often. Hide them, either in your office or your house, until the appropriate time. If she finds them, that sucks for the gift, but it’s still good for you. Think of it this way – she’ll be so guilt stricken at ruining your surprise, that she won’t want to look through your things again. The other ladies gifts will be safer 🙂 If she should happen to find, let’s just say, a slave chain comprising of nipple clamps, labia weights and an anal plug, you might be in for a great time! Or, she might hope you lose your nerve and return it… which is a handy excuse to toss out if she asks about it after you’ve given it to me! Or whoever you plan on giving such a devious contraption to 🙂
• Never bother asking which is better, look for what is best. Do your research. Generally speaking, you guys are pretty good at that, so put those talents to good use. Get the specs, read reviews, compare prices. So, she said she wanted a new blender? Easy! However, maybe it’s a little too easy. Show her that you invested time as well as money by making sure it’s the nicest, most practical, reliable blender that anyone in the open consumer market has ever made a smoothie in. She will cherish your thoughtful gift for much longer than if you just buy the most easily available mass market consumer grade appliance from a slightly-better-than-Walmart superstore. That blender will be broken and forgotten, an inconvenient piece of trash rather than a symbol of success in your role as an attentive provider. You guys have got incredible egos (admit it), so don’t waste a perfectly good opportunity to stroke it for yourself 🙂 Get a German blender. Drive the point home by bringing in some Kentucky bourbon, Jamaican rum, Tahitian vanilla, and demonstrating the superiority of your blender by dishing out a quick nog. She will love it!
• Price is not a factor. Even when it is. This really means two things, and should probably be broken into two parts, but it’s really just both sides of the same coin. Heads – There is nothing in any store (even Amazon!) that costs more than unfulfilled desire. If a price tag scares you, consider instead the price of regret. While that thought may make you want to run out and buy yourself a Porsche, also consider it from her side. An impressive gift of the sort she would never buy herself (which is really the point of a gift – an excuse to have all the things you wouldn’t buy for yourself) shows her that you think she’s worth it. Even her most frivolous wishes are worth being noted, because she’s just that great, and since you’re Mr. Awesome you understand that. If it’s unrealistically exorbitantly  expensive, she may make you return it, but don’t be fooled – she really appreciated the gesture. If she didn’t appreciate the gesture, she would return it herself and keep the money. Tails – Don’t be cheap. If you would really let a dollar amount stand between you and a genuinely joyous smile on your lady’s lips, you don’t deserve her. Keep your money, you’d probably be happier with that anyway. Besides, it’s a waste of money to get her something she *didn’t* ask for, when the thing you know she really wants is only a little more. Even if a little is a lot, you get my point. Don’t try to fake seasonal sincerity, you’re wasting a perfectly good holiday here. Which brings me to my next bullet –
• It is better to give than to receive. If that statement doesn’t sound right to you, you have not selected the right gift. If you find something and you feel truly excited, actively looking forward to the moment when she tears open the wrapping paper to reveal the surprise you’ve been dying to give her since the moment you first saw it – you’ve got the right gift! Buy it! Whatever it costs! Have them wrap it right there! Post a calendar on it so she count down the days to Christmas with you! Wow, 15 days until Christmas… it feels like an eternity, right? That’s the spirit, you’ve obviously found the perfect present. Oh wait, you got her Dick-in-the-Box again? Never mind, next bullet.
• Really, you don’t have to get anything. Your girlfriend said that, but you know she didn’t really mean it. Surprisingly, yes, she really did mean it, just not in the way that you think. She didn’t mean that it’s okay for you to pop another beer and forget all about her while she prepares to do battle with the cold and the crowds trying to pick out a gift that your mother won’t judge too harshly. It means that if you look really hard, drive two states away to find the last open Aubade retailer on Christmas Eve, only to find out that her size bra is out of stock in her favorite color and won’t arrive until after New Years – it’s ok, she will understand. It’s the thought that counts, after all. Don’t just go out and buy her *anything* because you know she’s expecting *something*. Corporate Christmas consumerism is quite consuming – it’s easy to get overwhelmed with the holiday crowds and end up desperately looking for something to buy so you can get the hell out of there.  Just take a deep breath, step outside, read these index cards, and walk back in there. If you really can’t find the right gift, some random wrapped box is not going to make everything okay. Remember, it’s much easier to keep her waiting a few weeks for the perfect present, rather than spend an entire year sheepishly apologizing for a White Elephant.

Oh yes, and Merry Christmas. Unless we’ve already spoken, or if you’re really, *really* good with your timing, I’m probably busy from here until this upcoming holiday for which there is so much fanfare. You probably are too, honestly. Enjoy your eggnog!

~Mme X~

FOUNDRY CAMS: Deck The Halls With Lovely Ladies brought to you by PornHub

Tags: I want...

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 12th, 2010 at 2:37 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.